It’s 2020, Cannabis is legal for either medicinal or recreational use in more states that it is not, and even your conservative grandma is using CBD.
But there’s a good chance that you might still feel some shame around your Cannabis use.
I realized recently that as much as I talk about the benefits of Cannabis and Hemp, advocate for making your own medicine, and teach others how to mindfully work with the plant, that I haven’t really shared that much about my own personal use.
Because to be totally honest, my shadow is still full of baggage from prohibition.
When I talk with others about my business, and I don’t know their personal viewpoints on the plant, I sometimes avoid the issue all together and just say I’m an herbalist, or I quickly zoom over the Cannabis part, anxiously scanning their face for disapproval.
I’m still a little embarrassed when I or my house smell like weed, even though I adore the smell more than almost any other.
I can’t go out into public if I’ve consumed too much THC, because there’s a part of me still afraid of acting silly and being “found out.”
And despite my outspoken advocacy, I still feel fear around others assuming I’m a “pothead.”
I’m sharing this all in an attempt to be more open about my own story, and also — if this feels at ALL familiar to you — to reassure you that this is 100% normal, and that coming out of the Cannabis closet is a process that many of us are still actively engaged in.
I was told from a young age that Cannabis was bad, that using it made me a bad person and hurt other people. That it was an unhealthy escape. That it was something to be talked about in hushed voices. That it made me stupid and others would judge me. And that using it was going to get me in big, big trouble (as it almost did several times, had my white femme privilege not been a factor)
And I can connect the dots DIRECTLY from those early experiences to the weird habits I STILL have around hiding my personal relationship with the plant.
And here’s the thing. If we’re talking here about working mindfully with Cannabis, it’s really hard to do this well if we’re not bringing conscious awareness to the baggage we’re carrying from all of this BS.
There’s a part of us that’s still going to feel like we’re doing something wrong. And this in turn increases the likelihood of us experiencing anxiety or other side effects, as well as the odds of us turning to it as an escape or otherwise not committing fully to our exploration of how it can heal us.
So I wanted to be a bit more vocal today about my personal use, in an attempt to get my damn foot out of the closet.
I freaking love Cannabis. It’s a beautiful plant and smelling it brings me a sense of peace like no other. I alternate days where I take 20-30mgs of CBD in the morning and in the afternoon or microdosing a 1:1 ratio of about 5mgs each THC and CBD twice per day. It makes me feel calm and inspired, and makes me a MUCH better mom. It doesn’t hurt anybody, in fact it is healing both me and my relationships with other people.
I don’t often feel super high, but those microdoses DO shift my consciousness (even when it’s just CBD) into a place where I feel elevated and creative. And in those moments where it makes me tired and a little fuzzy headed, I’m working on accepting that as what I actually really needed in those moments.
I’m also learning on seeing my anxiety and paranoia as less about me, and more about my deep fear of being caught. I’m working with this by consciously choosing to work with THC in environments that feel safe, and looking the fear in the face when I feel those familiar feelings creep up.
There’s more I could share, but I’m curious how this resonates with you. I’d love to offer you a few questions that you can journal on this week to see how this might be showing up for you:
- What stories were you told about Cannabis, and the people who use it, as a child?
- In what ways do you currently hide your Cannabis use from others?
- Even if you don’t hide it, in what ways are you still interacting with Cannabis based on your old programming?
- What do you think you would need to believe about Cannabis, or about yourself, in order to shift this pattern?
Please feel free to comment below if this resonates, if want to share your thoughts with someone who 100% understands, or if you just want to practice stepping out of the closet a bit more.